Ponderings
by TWIantoJones
Summary: Random thoughts on a dull day at the Hub. Every character's thoughts as they sit around. A bit depressing, but that's me!


Title: Ponderings

Summary: The TW team is just sitting about thinking during a boring day at the Hub. Here's what's going on inside their heads when they think of who they love. This is set after "Something Borrowed" but before "From Out of the Rain". Stream of consciousness style.

Rating: Teen

Disclaimer: See my author profile.

Notes: This is a weird story, I will tell you that now. I was wondering what might have gone through everyone's heads on a slow, dull day at work. Too much time leaves a person the chance to think about things they normally wouldn't.

And I promise, I won't 'experiment' like this again. In fact, I really shouldn't be allowed to even look at my computer without at least one cup of coffee in my body first.

Review and tell me how awful this was. The important thing about it is that I tried something new and had a little fun at the same time. Hehe!!

~_~_~

Start:

It was a quiet day at Torchwood III. This was good because it gave the entire team a chance to get caught up on their work without feeling rushed. Even Jack and Owen were busy at work. Jack was in his office rewriting reports he needed to send to UNIT. Owen was starting (and finishing) autopsy paperwork. Gwen was busy reorganizing police reports. Ianto was in the Archives filing admin. And Toshiko was fixing the bugs in a new computer program she had designed.

With so much peace and quiet, everyone's minds began to wander in various directions. It was unavoidable. It was inevitable. It was life.

Gwen--

She never should have cheated on Rhys. It had been a bad idea, she knew that now, had known it at the time. Yet she was still very young and naive. It was a poor excuse and that's what it was, plain and simple, an excuse. Sometimes she regretted using Retcon to make Rhys forget that she had confessed. Of course, she could have just not confessed but no, she had decided to do the right thing. Too bad that she chickened out. If she were honest with herself, she knew she had done it that way to keep herself from getting hurt. If she had told Rhys that she was sleeping with someone and not used Retcon, then what would have happened? Would he have left her? Let her go? What? She realized she was afraid to find out. Now, she was a married woman. Why did it matter? Everything had worked itself out in the end, right? God if he knew, it would have killed him inside.

Jack--

Ianto Jones was a mystery to him. Jack wanted him; there was no denying that fact. Hell, how could he not want the sexy, smart, witty Welshman? But it was more than that. It was more than lust, than desire. And it scared him because he knew what it was. He knew what he felt and he knew that it meant heartache for himself. That was why he had ignored the growing feelings and had tried to keep it just sexual. But fate had stepped in and decided to be a bitch. And now he was forced to lie… to Ianto, to himself. To be honest, he wanted to climb onto the roof and shout it to the world but he was so afraid. He was immortal. He couldn't spend it all with Ianto. And Ianto… how had he managed to make Jack love him? He had made Jack feel like and act like a fool. It wasn't fair. Love was not a luxury that Jack could afford. Yet he had fallen so far, so deep, so hard for the boy. He couldn't help but smile at the thought of Ianto in his life. He never regretted for one moment meeting the other man. Never.

Owen--

Owen sighed as he typed. He looked over at Gwen who was also busy. He shook his head. He wondered why he had gotten involved with her last year. It had been a stupid mistake. She reminded him of Katie. Katie… sweet Katie. Diane reminded him of her too. Tosh… well Tosh was very different from Katie. And Gwen and Diane too. But she was a good different. She was always there for him even when he was an arse to her. He only wished he had noticed it sooner, before he died. Yet she still liked him. He remembered dancing at Gwen's wedding with her. Hell, even before, when he was alive he had often gone to her when he needed anything. Was it any wonder though? She was so warm and pleasant. And she listened. She was interested in him. Even when it was clear that he and Gwen were messing around Tosh had not judged him, just looked sad. But she deserved better than him. She deserved someone better. He was all wrong for her.

Ianto--

He was just a body, something to help keep Jack warm at night, he was sure. He could see it every time that Gwen was around. Jack tended to be more moody and cold to his lover. It was painfully obvious that Jack still wanted her. Yet Ianto couldn't say no. He was hopelessly in love with his captain. It wasn't fair. Lisa had loved him completely, he had enjoyed that love. So why had he lowered himself to being the plaything to Captain Harkness? He deserved more, didn't he? Or was he, as he always suspected, not worth any love? And Gwen-- she had Rhys! She didn't need Jack. Why couldn't Jack love him? Why was it just sex? It wasn't even lovemaking. Sure, Jack was gentle and considerate, but it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. And why couldn't Ianto just walk away? Why did he have to love Jack so damned much?

Tosh--

He was looking at his report so intently it was cute, she thought. She sighed. Now that there was no chance of a physical relationship Owen was starting to notice her. Typical. Most, no all of her loves had been made of glass. Mary had used her, Tommy, sweet Tommy was dead and gone forever; there had been others too but none had wanted her for her. It wasn't fair. She was a nice person, smart, fun… why was she alone? She smiled as she remembered Owen calling her the other night. Just to chat. It had been nice. They had just chatted about nothing. He had asked her about her… her life, her hobbies. Everything. It had been nice. Too bad that talk was all they had now. But then again, did sex matter when you were in love? No, not really. She didn't care if the only sexual satisfaction she got was all in her head. All she cared about was being with Owen. She wanted to love him. Forever.

Gwen--

Jack was so hot. She was so cold. It wasn't a good combination. It was a good thing that she had not taken that step that would have carried her from Rhys to Jack. He was as bad for her as Owen had been. Oh, she still felt something for him but so what? Rhys was her rock, her stability. He wanted to be with her no matter what she put him through. And challenge? Oh he certainly did that. Rhys might love her completely but that didn't mean he would put up with her shit. She was lucky. If she had to endure a lifetime of stupid fights and petty jealousy just to be with him so be it. He was so hot while she was cold, but together they would balance each other out. She loved him. She really did. It had taken far too much for her to understand that. But now she was determined to be with him forever. Jack and Owen were mistakes that she needed to learn from. What they had offered her were short-lived thrills. But Rhys offered her everything he had. How could she say no to that? He was her world in the chaos of her life.

Jack--

He knew he wasn't doing right by Ianto. That was going to change. At Gwen's wedding he had seen the pain in his lover's eyes when he had cut in to dance. He should have done it then, told Ianto he wanted him and only him. Instead he had hurt him again. He was such a bastard. He didn't deserve Ianto but dammit he was going to try to change that. He didn't give a damn what anyone thought. He wanted to spend all of Ianto's life with him. He knew he couldn't erase all of his mistakes concerning his lover but he was determined to not repeat them. No, tonight he was going to send the others home and take Ianto back to his flat where he would make love to him all night long. Tomorrow he would talk to him, try to make things right. Tomorrow he would tell him what he couldn't say before. He would tell Ianto that he loved him, he would tell Ianto anything he could to make Ianto believe it. He would tell him anything Ianto wanted to know. No more secrets between them. He loved him. He loved him and he was never going to let him go. He would never be able to love anyone else, not since meeting and loving Ianto Jones.

Owen--

If he were honest with himself, he'd been in love with Tosh since he started at Torchwood. Perhaps it had been fate? Did it matter, he wondered. No, all that mattered now was that he didn't fuck this up like he had all the others. True, he couldn't take care of her sexual needs but maybe, just maybe she didn't need that. He loved her. He knew it was true. When Tommy had been there he had been annoyed. He liked Tommy, but seeing Tosh smile like that? No, he hadn't liked it. He had even tried to comfort her afterwards but had been rejected. It had hurt like hell. Tonight he would see her home, maybe go up for a chat. Tonight he would tell her he loved her. Maybe it would be enough. Because he couldn't face forever as a corpse without at least telling her that.

Ianto--

After Lisa he'd never thought he'd fall in love again. But Jack had stolen his heart back when they'd met that night. And he remembered trying to hate the man but being helpless to resist the pull of his own heart. He knew he couldn't walk away from Jack no matter how hard he tried. Even if tomorrow he walked in to find Jack and Gwen together he would simply hold his head high and go on waiting for Jack. He was broken after Lisa and Jack, wonderful Jack had taken what was left of his heart and carefully put it back together for him. There wasn't much left in him but Jack was making it all better. He wanted to be with Jack forever. He might be broken, be half a man, but Jack could have all that he was. He just hoped it was enough. He was dying, had been since meeting Jack. Would Jack take what he could give him and still want him in the morning? Was it enough?

Tosh--

He might be dead, but she couldn't care less. Maybe she was too messed up to need a normal life? Nothing she had was ever enough for her. Not without him. She couldn't be what he wanted her to be, it was too messed up. No one really listened to her needs; she had understood when Ianto had said something similar before. She understood because no matter what she did it was never good enough for her to be accepted. She wanted to be loved by her friends as well as by Owen. She knew she was on borrowed time. She couldn't waste it. She loved Owen as he was, she didn't want a fairytale hero. And she didn't want to change herself because then he would love someone fake. She wanted to be enough to deserve his love, to deserve her friends' love. But could she ever be enough?

Gwen--

Poor Rhys. He had told her on their honeymoon that she could do so much better than him and meant it. But it was he who could do better. She had almost asked for an annulment, not for herself, but for him. He was far too sweet, too good for her. Even before Torchwood she had taken advantage of him. On her desk at home was a collage of pictures of the two of them. She smiled as she remembered some of the pictures and the events that had led to them. Ice cream on their noses after a trip to the mall. The mall had been fun. He hated shopping, but they both could fondly think of a certain store's fitting room. She would let him go, except she would miss him too much. He was innocent in a way she had never been. His love was pure, more than she deserved. He deserved better than she, but she wasn't going to tell him

Jack--

He watched as Ianto started to clean the Hub. He knew he had been too cold and cruel before he left. Hell, leaving after the Doctor had been cruel. He had never meant to hurt Ianto like that. All he did was hurt Ianto. That was going to stop. Never again would he hurt his lover. He was going to become the man that Ianto deserved. He couldn't give him up. No, sorry but Ianto was like a drug that he couldn't quit. He was going to tell Ianto the truth. He hadn't meant to be cold, he was sorry for the way he'd treated him. He would hold his head high and become whatever it was Ianto needed. He would lay himself bare for Ianto to see. He was scared if he didn't, Ianto would leave him. He couldn't let that happened. Ianto was too important. Ianto kept him sane, gave him reason. He needed him.

Owen--

Love was wonderful when you were alive. It was weird when you weren't. But as he looked at Tosh, head bent over her desk, he smiled. When he'd met her four years ago he had felt his knees go weak and he'd done the dumbest things. Getting drunk, making stupid comments, playing pranks, yet she had simply looked at him. Looked him in the eye. He had suspected it even then that he would never forget her. He had talked about her a lot, but he had never thought about it much until now. Tosh was something special. She wasn't afraid of him, of his death. She still wanted to be around him. Hm, he was fairly certain that he was in love. It was weird when one was dead. But a nice weird.

Ianto--

Jack was a drug. A drug he couldn't stop. He wanted it to be more but he was afraid. He could feel Jack watching him. Dammit why couldn't he hate Jack? He looked up and watched Jack look away quickly. No doubt he was thinking of Gwen. Or someone else. Anyone but him. He wanted to make their relationship something more. They were good together, he was sure of that. He couldn't, he wouldn't walk away. It was bullshit. He would be what Jack needed, a warm, willing, wanton body for him to play with. He would put up with it. It didn't matter so long as Jack was there. He was addicted, after all. None of the rest really mattered. There had to be more, but he wasn't going to risk losing the only one he wanted to be with in order to get it. He would be the slut Jack no doubt thought he was. He was addicted to him, after all.

Tosh--

This was real, she knew it. She was beginning to think that maybe he wanted it too. At Gwen's wedding he had smiled when leading her to the dance floor. He had smiled as they made small talk. Maybe he did care, at least a little. She would hang on to find out. There were little signs, little hints of something. She smiled. She would tell him. Tonight she would tell him she loved him, that her feelings for him were the real thing. She would ask him to be honest with her. She hoped that she was right, that he at least cared. Was it real? Let it be please. She wanted him to say that she was right, that he loved her too. She would talk to him tonight. No matter what happened, she would get an answer to her most asked question. Was Toshiko Sato worthy of his love?

~_~_~

Gwen--

Tonight. Tonight she would tell Rhys that she loved him. Tonight she would allow herself to forgive herself. She was in love with the most wonderful man. And tonight was going to be the start of something new, something fantastic.

"Sweetheart?" she said into her phone. "Are you home? I'm on my way and I was thinking that we could spend the entire evening together?"

"Just us? Sounds great! It's like the honeymoon's still goin' on!"

She laughed. "I'll be home soon. I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

Jack--

"Ianto, doing anything tonight?"

"No. Why?"

"I was thinking of maybe dinner, a movie…"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Interested?"

"Always. How about Chinese and whatever's in the DVD player at mine?"

"Sounds great! Get your coat. Oh, when we get home, before we start the movie, there's something I need to tell you."

Owen--

"Hey, Tosh, any plans tonight?"

"Not really. Why?"

"I was thinking that maybe you'd like some company…"

"Oh, sure, besides, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Really? Heh, there's something I wanted to talk to you about too."

"What?"

"Let's get you home first, ok?"

Ianto--

"Okay, we're here, dinner's arrived and the DVD's ready. What did you want to talk about?"

"I love you."

"What?"

"Not the reaction I was hoping for, but what I deserve. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me to leave. I know I've been a horrible partner for you. You deserve more than me."

"But it's you I want."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I love you too."

Tosh--

"I love you."

"Tosh?"

"I don't care that you're dead. I don't care that we can never have normal. I love you."

"Normal's not everything it's cracked up to be. Tosh…?"

"Owen…?"

"What would you say if I told you that I love you too?"

The end.

I know, a weird story but sometimes it's the random thoughts that go through your head that are the most true. So what do you think? Like it or hate it, let me know!!!!


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